Jewish Bridge to Recovery

Letting me out, Letting me in

2009-04-08T16:55:31Z

Let me make a quick note on the connection between alcoholism and Passover. It is a language lesson.

In ancient Hebrew there is no way to say "sobriety" outright. It uses odd phrases like "let the wine out of you!" (get sober) or "The wine was let out of him" (he became sober). The key word is "yatzah" which means "let out". There is another phrase in which this word "let out" is used. In English it will be translated in various ways to make it sound more lyrical. They will say, "let out", "leave", "go out from here", or "send out" but essentially we are talking about getting "let out". It is during Passover when we use this phrase, "G-d let us out of Egypt, out of bondage."

This reminds me of the story "Freedom from Bondage" in the Big Book. In that story she was freed from resentments. All she had to do was to wish the best for her enemies. In fact during the Exodus, a Midrash says that when the Egyptians drowned in the Sea of Reeds, the Angels sang. G-d rebuked them by saying, "My creations are drowning!" or words to that effect. G-d showed compassion for the Egyptians even though Pharaoh defied His will.

But remember that even though G-d let us out of Egypt, He did not actually lead us into the freedom to do what we wish. He led us to Mount Sinai and gave us commandments and a job to do, to be a light unto the nations. That means we care for ourselves by following certain rules and we show others the way to this particular type of freedom.

Most mothers know this freedom when they walk into their kid's room and see a mess. A mother will reason with her child, "If you clean up as you go along, you can have more fun, more room, you will be happier."

If you follow a few simple principles, a good life will flow out from there.

Be well. I will be off-line later today for Passover until Saturday night.

I am an alcoholic and an Orthodox Jew.

Alex H.

Just in Time for Passover

2009-04-07T21:22:06Z

Someone on an email AA meeting mentioned Peeps, the marshmallow treat that so many people love to eat at this time of year. He mentioned that Peeps were kosher. Indeed they are but not kosher for Passover. It is simply too expensive to switch the factory over (and change the formula). It makes no economic sense. Peeps are kosher the rest of the year though.

I promised to post something for Passover regarding alcoholism so here we go...

Passover is observed by more Jews than any other holiday. It begins with the Passover Seder. It is more than a formal dinner. It is orchestrated. Certain things WILL happen during the dinner because the people at the dinner will read out of a booklet that will GUIDE them toward those things. You can't avoid them by ducking out to the bathroom.

Problem 1. You will be expected to drink 4 cups of wine.

Solution 1. Bring along grape juice that is kosher for Passover. Your hostess WILL freak a little so clear it with her ahead of time. You don't have to reveal you are an alcoholic. Simply tell her your health depends on it. Health reasons excuse a lot of stuff in Judaism so insist on it. You might suggest that the hostess provide grape juice at all the tables so that others can choose grape juice too. Alcohol interferes with certain medicines so Grandpa and Grandma will benefit and the kids prefer grape juice anyway.

Problem 2. You will be expected to eat the charoseth, a mixture of apples and walnuts that usually has wine in it.

Solution 2. Call the hostess and make sure the charoseth [pronounced chah-ROH-sehth with ch as in Back or loch] uses only grape juice. If it includes wine, ask her if she could make a version with grape juice only for you. Insist. Really. If she refuses, tell her you'll be glad to bring your own. If she is kosher for Passover and you are not, that ought to do it. If she doesn't fall straight away into a dead faint, she will INSIST that she make it for you. :-)

Problem 3. Pickled herring often has wine in it.

Solution 3. Don't eat the herring until you check the jar. Vito-brand herring is labeled as "made with wine" in small letters below the main label. Other brands may not mention it. Check carefully. The hostess will not serve it out of the jar so you are going to have to check this stuff out ahead of time.

Problem 4. Various chocolate-covered deserts are dripping with wine especially this one wonderful-looking matzah cake that is so beautiful that... oh... never mind. :-) It is so freaking filled with wine, I feel light-headed just looking at it... chocolate-covered strawberries dipped in wine too.

Solution 4. Ask about everything at the dessert table before you eat it.

No excuses. They've heard enough of those already. Do it.

You can read a more extensive posting on Passover and the 4th and 10th Steps on my blog at...

http://ah1270.livejournal.com/720.html

I am an alcoholic and an Orthodox Jew.
Alex H.

Wanda the Wanderer

2009-04-05T04:53:08Z

(All names have been changed to confuse the critical. :-))

In a lot of AA meetings there is a time imposed. This is usually done because there are so many people waiting to share that the meeting wants to get as many people in as possible. But other meetings will only impose a time limit on certain people in the meeting.

I think time-limiting certain people who are over-talkative seems fine to me. For example, when I first got sober I noticed that when the sharing came to me, the leader always said, "Five minutes, Alex." He never put a time limit on anyone else. Just me. :-)

I felt fine about it. I knew I was rambling. Much of what I said in those early days was nonsense. But I learned something: I'll give anyone five minutes. I don't care how silly or insane they might be. Five minutes.

I remember a woman who had a lobotomy. Her sharing was incoherent at times. She used full sentences but it was not clear how one sentence linked to the next. She was a kind and gentle soul with a delightful smile, but no one would ever call on her in meetings. It seemed cruel to me but she never even noticed.

One day I was leading and she raised her hand politely as she always did. I called on her and saw several people roll their eyes. Their shoulders drooped in dismay.

I wagged a finger in her direction, smiled playfully and said, "Now Wanda. You're a wanderer." Then I pointed to my watch and said, "Five minutes."

I let her go.

As she painted a scattered portrait of her life, the meeting relaxed. Not only was Wanda happily wandering, but the meeting was actually listening. She didn't make a whole lot of sense, but the meeting had a sense that I would call a halt to it regardless of whether she got to the point or not. My job was to keep the discussion moving and I took that job seriously.

Wanda suddenly ground to a halt. Without rhyme or reason she had simply stopped herself. Three minutes had passed. She smiled that big smile of hers. We were friends for years. I have no requirement that my friends make sense.

I was in another meeting where the leader had lost control. It was a lunch meeting and I dropped into a club out of my normal area. A woman was sharing and she didn't shut up. She was talking about her electric bill and how the devil kept turning on her porch light. After about 15 minutes of this %$$#, I called a halt to the meeting and confronted the leader.

"How long am I going to have to sit here and listen to this?"

I was most unpleasant. The leader became defensive, explaining that some people needed to share.

"I'll listen to anyone for five minutes, but this is a load of..."

He disagreed.

Finally I turned to the woman who had been sitting quietly waiting to continue and asked her, "How long have you been sober?"

"Oh", she thought carefully, "Since this morning." :-)

At that point all opposition collapsed and we moved on. After the meeting, several guys (the old hands from the meeting) approached me. They apologized and hoped I would keep coming back. I waved them off. No big deal. It happens sometimes.

The leader has to lead and keep the meeting moving. He may even have to cut off people he likes.

Alex H.

Exploring Sin

2009-04-03T03:56:53Z

An alcoholic buddy on an email online meeting declared that sin does not exist and that AA never addresses the idea of "sin". Right and Wrong, "Yes" but sin, "No."

Well... the problem is that the word "sin" is overburdened with meanings never intended by the original word.

"Sin" in Hebrew is chet [CHEHT with ch as in Back or loch]. It means off course. There is no distance suggested by the term so you could be slightly off or WAY OFF. :-) And no judgment is made. No emotion is attached to the term. It is like the word "incorrect".

If you get the incorrect change when you buy something, it could be off a penny or a pound. If it is the incorrect change it is incorrect. What brings emotion into it is the REASON why your were handed the incorrect change. Was it a mistake or were you cheated? That has to do with intent. If a man means to hurt you it hurts as much when he is off by a penny as it does by a pound. If it is a mistake, the mistake is corrected and you move on. No emotional investment there.

AA actually does handle this idea of sin after a fashion.

In the story "Women Hurt Too", Marty mentions a Hebrew word but never identifies it. She says the word means "Salvation" and "Coming Home". Actually she made an error. (I spoke of the in another posting on this blog.) There is no Hebrew word that means both salvation and coming home. However, there is a word that SOUNDS like salvation that means coming home. That Hebrew word is teshuvah [teh-shoo-VAH]. It is usually translated as "repentance." It means "turning around" or "doing a 180" or "returning home".

In general it suggests that one was off the path and now one has returned to the path. No emotion there. No blaming. It is a "directional" word.

That is a language lesson.

You can take it for what it is worth.

Alex H.

Hitting the Fan

2009-04-02T18:51:55Z

While I continue to make changes to my blog, I thought I'd share this posting I made on an email list.

This is a stream of consciousness. Beware. I know some of some are sensitive to anything I write, anything at all, and my love for you compels me to warn you. I write what I think.

When I was over a year sober, I moved to Orange County, CA and began to pull my life back together. I wasn't only doing the AA thing (though I was hitting that pretty hard). I had to build a life for myself, a new life. I took classes just to find out what I wanted to do. There was a clown class. I spotted one class in script writing for plays and TV. It was run by a famous writer so I took the class (along with another class on how to run an AB Dick! :-)) It was through that writer's class that I became a writer for a show magazine. It was also through that class that I met a director who was putting together a new comedy show, an improvisational comedy group. I signed up with him. I wasn't all that good but I learned a lot. I developed a stream of consciousness that serves me to this day. Thoughts and ideas flow out of me unbidden.

Many years ago (I don't know how many) I had an accident that rendered me handicapped for life. I could barely get out of bed. I could not get into a car and be driven for even 10 minutes. I was rendered speechless for long periods at a time. I could not see and then I could. I could not read and then I could. On and off it went (and continues to this day). But I found I could still improvise. When I was in "improv-mode" my speech cleared up and words flowed out of me. I could still do comedy. I could make everyone around me laugh and I could still tell my AA story.

As I sit in an AA meeting these days it is a frightening thing for me. I can barely hold on to my thoughts. A man will say something that will bring a story to mind that I want to share, but then he will continue his talk and a second idea will push out the first and I will have lost it. By the end of his talk I will have no idea what he has said or how I should respond. Luckily, I am the leader of the group, so all I am required to do is look around the room and say "Next?"

But if I want to respond with something that might help this newcomer, I must repeat it to myself over and over again. That keeps it in my memory (hopefully). And being leader I can interject my brief thoughts before I say my required phrase "Next?"

Although this type of behavior (the leader commenting on everything) is not common where I live now, it was reasonably common in Los Angeles and the suburbs where I first became sober. So I do it in the jail meeting I run. It works for me. It does engender some crosstalk but I am aware of that so it if gets out of hand I call a halt to it. I'm the leader. I'm the one who says, "Next?" :-)

I am improvising all the way through. My life has become one very long improvisation and I interject comedy throughout.

For example:

We had one heck of a hail storm come through here a few days ago (south Williamson County, TX) and tennis-ball-size hail punched holes in my roof. Now a heck of a windstorm has come up today and pieces of my roof are falling into my neighbor's yard. Luckily her patio furniture is breaking the fall. :-) (I told her that joke but all I got was stunned silence. Everyone is a critic. This is hilarious stuff! :-))

So my neighbor is frantic. (She called a few minutes ago.) We should call the roofers immediately! I'll tell you. Dealing with non-alcoholics is so much easier than... say... Zulu warriors or even other alcoholics. :-) I already contacted the roofer days before. The estimate came in yesterday. It's the same roof as before (shingles or not). Even if I called him today and said "Yes", no sane man would get up on my roof in 50 mile-an-hour winds. "You want me to jump up there myself? What do you think I am? Nuts?" Silence again. I guess that means "Yes". :-) My neighbors are so kind and tolerant of me. They still love me. I bake fresh bread for them. :-)

The roof will wait until its proper time.

I now turn "into the wind" and the Big Book to see what it has to say about wind. Watch out. This is really going to torque some people off because I'm quoting the Big Book verbatim. They are also going to think that I'm trying to fool them by interjecting G-d into the discussion when all I did was to look up "wind" in the Big Book.

Maybe they should all blow it out... well... never mind. They should read the Big Book more often, maybe? :-)

Here we go.

"These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. G-d comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound." -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 14.

And of course...

"We read wordy books and indulge in windy arguments, thinking we believe this universe needs no G-d to explain it. Were our contentions true, it would follow that life originated out of nothing, means nothing, and proceeds nowhere.

"Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of G-d's ever advancing Creation, we agnostics and atheists chose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn't it?" -- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 49.

And finally the classic one that always comes to mind...

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others . Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"

"Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 82-83.

I laughed out loud at that one!

Pass it on.

Alex H.

A Loving World

2009-03-29T17:14:14Z

An AA member wondered about how some folks could be intolerant of religion when so many religions are based on love. (paraphrase)

Hmm... I am glad that that such an opinion exists because it reflects a better world but it was not always a loving world, not even with those religions that are professing love today. Perhaps the change is because the children have learned from the mistakes of the fathers.

But keep in mind that it is still within living memory when the religion of love and tolerance today took part in the murder of one third of the population of another religion... my religion... in the recent past. I hold no animus. Most of the people who perpetrated that atrocity are now dead. Their children seem to be better people. They prove it by their actions and they have made major changes to their doctrine so as to avoid (hopefully) such atrocities in the future. It may work. We shall see. But what can I say to a man who still cries out in the middle of the night in anguish and horror at what he saw, what he did, what he failed to do and what he has lost? It is difficult for him not to judge the children of today for the faults of fathers past.

I was riding on a bus and a woman asked my forgiveness. Her grandfather had been in the Luftwaffe, as I recall. "But he was not a Nazi!" she explained. She was so sorry. I could see it in her eyes. She was a loving, caring woman and she proved it in her actions as she helped a blind couple off of the bus. She didn't have to do that, but she did it nevertheless. She told me her story. She was not a perfect woman but a good woman... better than most.

I could not forgive her grandfather. I had not lost anyone to the Nazis. I was not hurt by them directly. I could not forgive. I did not have the power.

Well...enough of that.

I have to clean the oven for Passover today. Not much love involved with that, of course, but it must be done.

Alex H.

All in a Dream

2009-03-23T18:28:52Z

A Jewish alcoholic from New Jersey writes the following. I have his permission to reprint here though I have removed his name, not by his request because he said he didn't care but out of love for my fellow alcoholics who might think I would be sloppy with their anonymity.)

God spoke directly to me last night thru my dreams. Not really a drunk dream, but a strange message regarding alcoholism. My sponsor apparently checked me back into the rehab I "graduated" from 2 years ago. Not because I was drinking again, but because of some inappropriate behavior he read about me in the newspaper (which in real life is untrue by the way).

Apparently I had picked up a drunk person and exceeded the speed limit thru a toll plaza (and going thru the same toll plaza dozens of times) - dunno why - possible reminder of *insanity* mixed with the responsibility of helping the next alkie seeking A A's blessings? I also had another situation I cannot exactly recall the details of which also involved driving that he felt was inappropriate. Ends up the Jonathan K***** (yes I broke my own anonymity) he read about is not me - it was other guys by the same name living in other cities in other states.

* Again, none of this is reality - just a dream - I have a much cleaner driving record in sobriety!

When I was "delivered" back to the rehab I could not figure out why I was there. I kept saying how wonderfully I work the program: attending meetings, having sponsees and commitments, and I couldn't get past not being able to send this daily check-in em ail while I was back as an in-patient!? Ends up once the air was cleared that the Jonathan's he read about weren't me, I was quickly released and I was relieved. Very odd dream - woke up at 4:45am and it seemed very real. Grateful to be at the computer with the ability to write my daily check-in ;)

The message I get from this dream? I dunno?- drive with care? Keep doing what I'm doing?

God spoke to me last night in my dreams - I may not be perfectly clear about what his message to me was .. but dreams are a direct channel from Him to me. The Daily Reflections today says "As We Understand Him" - maybe that's the whole message .. is to be reminded He is there watching out for me, while I'm awake and while I sleep.

Anyway, sweet dreams .. make is an awesome Monday!

A Jewish alcoholic from New Jersey

Enslavement and Freedom

2009-01-15T20:43:11Z

Hirhurim - Musings

I was reading the blog of Rabbi Gil Student (not an alcoholic) and he mused on the idea that sometimes hard work is required to obtain one's freedom. Often sitting on the couch enslaves us. It is the enslavement of the "messy room" that restricts us from making use of the room. By working to it clean up, we are thereby freed to make use of the room. But to maintain this freedom, we must do the work.

It reminded me about the 12 Steps and "working the steps". It seems as if we are enslaved and I get this implied complaint from the guys I visit at jail. They seem to be saying... "Do I have to go to AA meetings? Can't I work these steps and be done with it?"

The answer to these questions is... yes, and no. We are individuals so exactly how much work we will need to do depends on how vigorous we are at making messes. :-) For me, I am handicapped. Thus I can only get to one meeting a week or maybe two. But that is not enough for me so I must do other work. I write this blog. I answer questions about AA on various email lists. I answer the phones at the local AA central office. I write articles. Every bit helps.

I work like a slave but in doing so I earn a certain amount of freedom of action too. I am no longer restricted to staring drunkenly into the TV wondering how other folks get enough energy to go to college. In sobriety, I am free to do more, but I must do the work to stay sober. Like the messy room, I can't just clean it up once and be done with it. It is an ongoing task.

In the Torah, G-d "lets us out" of Egypt. In English it is phrased in various ways. In Hebrew G-d let us out [yatzah]. But He did not let us out of bondage into the freedom to do what we please. He led us to Sinai and a list of commandments. We have to do the work. It is part of being free. Oddly enough, the Bible describes sobriety in the same way. When we go from drunkeness to sobriety, we are "let out" but not to do as we please. We have things to do if we are to maintain our freedom.

Check out the link above (Hirhurim - Musings).

I've been on an email list with Gil for many years. He's a great guy.

Alex H.

Attitude Adjustment

2009-01-02T17:43:29Z

My buddy reminded me of how helpful those early morning "Attitude Adjustment" meetings were for him.

Thanks for the reminder. That was over twenty-five years ago when we started it up.

You wouldn't believe how hard it was to get that meeting going. My friend (a guy with about a year of sobriety or maybe two. I'll call him JB.) had this idea to get an early morning meeting going and I was looking for a new project. G-d placed JB in my life. He had barely a year of sobriety as I recall and he was pushing this new-fangled idea of an early morning meeting. I could see he was going to piss off a lot of people if they weren't approached correctly so I made suggestions on changing his pitch (slightly but significantly) and resistance was reduced significantly. The idea caught on and spread across Orange County, CA. (JB was a good salesman.)

Folks thought we were trying to turn AA into a religion, but it was positive readings from the Big Book, 12 and 12 and 24 Hour book. It wasn't our fault that the Big Book is so religious-sounding. :-) I loved it.

JB was a disciple of Dr. P (from the Trinity Club in the Pomona area, as I recall. Dr. P wrote "Doctor, Addict, Alcoholic" as it is called in the Third Edition). When JB moved to Orange County he wanted to bring Dr P's Attitude Adjustment Meeting to "The OC". :-) He wanted begin his day with positive thinking. He started a meeting in a bank community room in a little shopping center off of Imperial Highway and it was well attended... at 6:30 in the morning every morning except Sunday when we slept in until 7. :-)

Last time I looked at the schedule I did not see an Attitude Adjustment meeting at that location. It must have moved. I certainly have moved... to Texas.

Positive thought for the day: When you wake up, say something positive immediately. Ignore what you are thinking. Say something positive... out loud... even if it is a lie.

Here is my favorite: "I feel great today!" That is such a ridiculous lie. It makes me laugh every time. I'm laughing now just writing it. :-)

My day does not always go the way I want it to go. But if I start off on the right foot, my next step has a better chance of being a good one.

Alex H.

The Best AA Meeting

2008-12-28T18:20:28Z

I am sometimes asked "Which is the best meeting?" They are asking me to pick out the best local meeting in town. I tell them that I don't know because what I am looking for may not be what they are looking for. Most newcomers are looking for a meeting they can get something out of. I am looking for a meeting I can put something into.

That sound a little too nice and I'm not all that nice.

What I mean is that I like to shoot off my mouth and the best place for me to do that is where it is needed most. that is why I run a jail meeting. Most of the guys there are not all that interested. They are there at the meeting to show the judge that they are trying. But a few of them are interested and really are trying. They can be overcome by the negativity. That is where I come in. I'm positive and I don't shut up. I keep the discussion going in a positive direction and I tend to dominate. It's perfect for me and it seems to work for them too.

One guy told me that he hates it when I'm not there because the meeting is very boring. My partner is not a boring guy. I like him and frankly I think he is smarter than I am at this program (don't tell him I said so :-), yet they like me. I can only guess why. I suppose it is because I have more stories of despair (I was very stubborn) and I have a lot of obvious faults even now. One guy told me I seemed a little dangerous. :-) In other words... I'm just like them.

Also "thinkin'" of what I can contribute helps me too. Just thinking along those lines, helps me to get out of my own problems. I went through a period of terrible depression. I had a lot to be depressed about... real things. So I went to meetings almost every day. Each time I went to a meeting, I left feeling a little better. The meeting was the same as any other. I've heard it all before at least three times. What made it different for me? I realized that I was thinking about how to be helpful to the person who was sharing. As each person spoke, I reached back in my mind to some similar situation I had gone thorugh and how it all turned out. I found that I didn't actually have to help out. Thinking about how I could help... helped. For one hour I stopped thinking about Alex and thought about you.... while thinking about Alex. It was enough. I walked out of there feeling better for one more day.

I have a daily reprieve.

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition . Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of G-d's will into all of our activities . 'How can I best serve Thee --Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will."
-- Alcoholics Anonymous p. 85

I find it hilarious when folks get all fluttery when someone uses "G-d talk" in a meeting. It makes me think they don't read the Big Book. If you want to hide money from an alcoholic, put it in the Big Book. He'll never look there. :-)

Alex H.

Sober Chanukah

2008-12-24T22:57:21Z

Chanukah is going on now. It is a minor Jewish holiday about as religiously significant as Cinco De Mayo or Flag Day. :-) However, because of it's proximity to Christmas, it has taken on the flavor of Christmas. I don't like that but no one is asking me. It is so.

It is strange to be a non-Christian during Christmas. It is a different kind of "otherness" one feels. I am not alone. I am not lonely. I don't feel compelled to join with family, eat or drink, yet every time I turn on the TV I am told (nay, shouted and cajoled) to join the family, eat a hearty meal and drink, drink, drink. It gets a little weird this time of year so I turn the TV off. It feels like Sunday.

If you want a place to go with no drinking, usually I'd suggest an AA meeting, but no doubt the religious talk there will be intense, sincerely felt and heart-warming. It's fine for a Christian (or even a non-Christian who is faking it) but for a religious non-Christian such as myself, it is a time to stay "out of church". AA is "a little too churchy" at this time of year.

Most Jews find fellowship at the synagogue or local kosher deli. Often the local Jewish community center will have a program or two going on. I am going to a lecture later this evening. It should be interesting. ("Secret Conversos of the Southwest"). It's about the present-day results of the Spanish Inquisition. Yep. Secret Mexican Jews! (I am Mexican and Jew so that's why it interests me.)

If you are Christian, I wish you a Merry Christmas. Please don't stop being yourself. In a way, it gives me permission to be myself.

If you are feeling pressure to drink due to the holiday, remember that the word holiday comes from the words "holy day". The word "holy" in Hebrew is kadosh. Kadosh means "separate" or "set aside". So "holiday" means a day, set aside... a day set aside for a special purpose. But the thing special about the day is not the date. It is the "purpose" that is special.

Those in jail cannot celebrate their holiday with their families on the day they would wish. If you can't celebrate the holiday the way you'd wish today, choose another day.

I am an Orthodox Jew and an alcoholic.
Alex H.

A Larger World

2008-12-10T16:51:30Z

An alcoholic is dying. She says that she dresses herself each day. That act looms large in a world that is becoming smaller and smaller for her each day. She says "I make [the world] as large as I can."

Very good.

My world is larger due to this computer. I am limited to my bedroom with the drapes drawn. It is difficult for me to get around, but easier than for you. Today, I am preparing for a seminar on Drugs, Sex, and Integrity. I am joining a Reform Rabbi in speaking to middle school kids and their parents. He wanted an Orthodox perspective. I had to blow off the Jail meeting I usually attend on Wednesday so that I'll be in good enough shape to attend. I can't do both in the same day.

I find it essential that I travel through the Internet, answering questions and commenting where I can. It helps me to remain centered. This is situation where depression is a very real threat. I fight it by getting out of myself and looking to help others. I don't actually have to help anyone. I simply have to turn outward and look. I scan this list for example, looking for some place to insert myself. I try to add. If I cannot add, I usually remain silent.

I read a lot, but mostly I listen to audio books I order from the library. I also connect to various radio shows and listen on-line.

Very few people come to visit any more but we have a good neighbor. My wife is here. My kids are old enough to drive. I can get around if need be but I can no longer drive.

I taught and utilized Transactional Analysis at one time

I love Transactional Analysis. I'm always working it, it seems. It has been so helpful to me in understanding my communications with others. It also informs me when communication is not possible.

For those reading this posting, there are a few good books dedicated to explaining Transactional Analysis.

I'm OK--You're OK by Thomas Harris

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. by Eric Berne

I am sure there are others not quite as old as these are, but people don't change all that much. One can gain a lot from this books. No doubt they are at your local library.

I'm an Orthodox Jew who is recovering from alcoholism.

It's working.

FYI, the person I quoted is not from the email list that is asking me to edit these postings. Their request seems odd to me but I comply nevertheless because I love and accept them as they are.

Alex H.

No Jews or Fees... Funny :-)

2008-12-05T16:40:25Z

An AA buddy wrote to me directly to share something he had heard in an AA meeting. I suppose the leader of the AA meeting had a thick accent so that what my AA buddy heard was thus...

"In AA, we have no Jews or fees..."

This gave my buddy the impression that AA might be anti-Semitic.

FYI, it was supposed to read (and probably WAS read) as "There are no DUES or fees for AA membership."

I've heard a few of these malapropisms. When my friend came into the program, there was a sign on the podium that had that stylized calligraphy. It said "We Care" but for the longest time, my friend thought it said "Mr. Car". She thought it was the name of the fine fellow who was running the place!

Another of my buddies used to hear something different when a portion of Chapter Five was read in the meeting. He always thought the ABC's went like this...

A. That we were alcoholic and could not manage out own lives.
B. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
C. That G-d could and would if He were caught. :-)

(For those unawares it should have read "if he were sought.")

I have heard numerous misstatements and malapropisms when reading Chapter Five and Chapter Three. Usually they work out fine. The message gets through.

Alex H.

A Few Words on Christmas

2008-12-04T20:27:22Z

A non-Jewish alcoholic wrote that in thinking about Christmas there was a nagging worry about being alone.

One way to prepare for Christmas is to realize there is a large part of the world that does not celebrate Christmas at all and suffers no psychic damage from ignoring it entirely. I am Jewish and I don't celebrate Christmas. In fact I go out of my way not to do so. However, it is a little difficult to get away from the message at times. Isn't it?

I see commercials that portray happy families enjoying the warmth against the cold, all the time ignoring the fact that half the world is hotter than ... well... you know. :-) Grinning men and women bursting through the doors with bags of goodies, treats and yes... booze. The main message seems to be....

We are all happy together.
Why aren't you?
But you can make that happiness happen
with BOOZE!
So why aren't you?

And I must tell myself over and over again...

But that message is not for me.
I don't celebrate this holiday.
The reason I am not with family and friends
During this holiday
Is because it is not MY holiday
It is theirs.
I wish them well.
I wish them every happiness.
But it is not my holiday.
Nor do I wish it to be.
Certainly I do not wish it to be my holiday
With booze.

If you would like not to be alone and meetings are not enough, you might consider visiting the nearest Jewish deli. You will find a lot of people there trying to escape the message and to feel part of something else.
Alex H.

My Job to be Honest

2008-12-04T15:21:54Z

An alcoholic wrote that he was hired for a really good job but now they are performing a more detailed background check. Another alcoholic wondered why they were checking so deeply now that they had hired?

Good point.

But it is not the responsibility of others to catch me. It is my job to be honest. A company has a duty to due diligence, but a detailed background check takes money and a company won't invest in that unless they are sure the person they are investigating has some chits in the pot too.

I volunteer at the local Jail. I've seen innocent people's lives ruined simply because the police wanted to be sure. But as the wheels of justice turned slowly, the person investigated watched their lives go down the drain. Bills went unpaid. Jobs were lost. Vehicles repossessed. By the time they were released as an "innocent man" what difference would have it made if they had been guilty? They were punished just the same.

One guy was philosophical about it. He said he hadn't done the crime he was convicted for, but he had done many other crimes so "I guess this counts for that."

Alex H.

Pushing a Dead Man

2008-11-25T21:28:29Z

An alcoholic wrote that AA has taken away his prejudice of other races, colors and backgrounds and that he is grateful to AA for that.

When I came into AA someone told me that Mexicans couldn't get sober. He was looking at me, an obvious Mexican straight out of the barrio. I converted to Orthodox Judaism years later so now I look like an Orthodox Jew. (I'll leave it to the reader to decide if this was a big step up. :-))

When that guy told me I couldn't get sober, it made me angry. "I'll show him!" I said to myself or words to that effect. (Actually, it was probably more like "$%$^&%$@#@" :-)) I am living proof that a man can stay sober on resentment alone... for a year anyway. But after a year I had to find a better way.

I'm not sure how an individual might react to prejudice. I was enduring a barrage of ill-considered statements from members such as "I spilled more on my tie than you drank in your entire life." To which my response was "At least I got it in my mouth, %$#$@!" (I'm cleaning this up a little bit.)

They were pushing me all the time. I was a dead man and nothing you do to a dead man can hurt him but there are ways that you can push against a dead man that can help. If you push hard on his heart, over and over again.... sometimes... you can get his heart going again. You can give him one more chance. So they pushed hard. They gave me one more chance.

Many people do not react well to pushing and their sobriety depends on acceptance, brotherly love and singing kumbayah, but if you would have tried that on me I would not be alive today. They pushed me hard because that's what I needed. I lived.

This is an individual program. It is up to the individual to find his way to sobriety. All I can do is provide what he needs. If it is a kind word, I give him that with love. If it is a swift kick, I'll give that too with the same love.
Alex H.

Return from madness

2008-11-24T17:00:13Z

A message from an alcoholic with her permission. I omit her name not because she requested it but out of compassion for those who might fear I would reveal their identity. (I won't but I understand the fear. Really. I do.)

When I went back out into the madness, after many years of sobriety,

I still knew I was an alcoholic,
I remember thinking, as I took my first drink,” ANYTHING" to take this pain away-
I knew it would be a struggle to stop
I thought it may take me three weeks to come off it !
I forgot about my primary purpose.
I did not think I was insane.

It took me ten years- ten horrible years and may yets.

I now have no doubts I am powerless over alcohol.
I guard my emotional sobriety.
I try to live the programme- I am not always successful.
I know AA Works and that No human Power can relieve my insanity

These are my opinions and experience.

Love

Happy Birthday to Me :-)

2008-11-20T16:42:23Z

My first day of continuous sobriety began November 14th, 1977. I am now 31 years sober, grateful and a little fearful. I now have as much sobriety as one of my early sponsors had. He died of "extreme lead poisoning" to the head. I don't want to end like that. I'd much rather die in my sleep, a sober, peaceful, and grateful man. I am told that we should not think of our own death until we are nearly the age that our father died. Charlie was 31 years sober. I believe he died because he wanted to believe he was all the wonderful things we said he was, but he knew he was not. We placed him on a pedestal and we placed him so far up that when he fell it was fatal. I don't let people place me too high on that pedestal. When I sense I am too high up, I step down while it is still easy enough to do so.

I used the steps to lift myself up and now I use them to step down.

Alex H.

The AA Matrix

2008-11-11T02:17:59Z

I put together a video and submitted it to Alcoholics Anonymous in their Youth Video contest. I'm no longer young, but they were asking for videos of people who came in when they were young. I was 22 so I qualified according to the rules. Here is the video I submitted...

Alex H.

A Change of View

2008-11-10T15:40:04Z

A fellow alcoholic wrote about the wisdom of AA's steps 8 and 9. We have no power over the past. What is done is done. What we can change is the present. As he mused over this he decided to place his own name at the top of the list of people to make amends to. It was selfish, perhaps, but the truth nevertheless.

It makes sense to me too but I remember a time when it wouldn't have made any sense at all. I lived a life in fear of the past catching up with an uncertain future. Never for a moment did I live "in the now". I could not experience living "now" without fear, it so overwhelmed me. I almost died, but I lived.

Steps 8 and 9 will not make much sense to those who have not done Steps 1 through 7. What was true for me was that when I completed a step, the next step changed. I thought I knew what the next step would be, but my understanding of what would be involved changed because I was different now. I was the man who had completed the step before and before that time I was a man who had not.

The steps changed me, one step at a time and as I changed, so did the steps.

Alex H.

Just Do It

2008-11-10T15:21:16Z

It is amazing the number of TV show writers and screenwriters that were in AA at the time I was in Los Angeles (the late 1970's). Their presence in AA was reflected in their writing as various shows tackled the issues of alcohol and drug abuse. I spoke to one of the writers of Murphy Brown recently and he told me how much the writers agonized over the scene where Murphy takes a drag on a joint! They wanted to get it right... the emotions.... the thinking behind it... the decision to drink or not to drink, to think or not to think.

Essentially it boils down to acting rather than thinking. Or as my sponsor used to say, "You can't think your way into right acting. You can only act your way into right thinking."

I believe my sponsor was talking to me, personally and not espousing a general philosophy. :-)

I must act my way into right thinking by first acting in the way I want to be until it feels right. That means it will feel uncomfortable for awhile as I become accustomed to my new way of "thinking".

Like a child playing "dress up" I put on the coat of my father to see how it feels. But this coat my father never wore. It hung in his closet unused. But it was there when I needed it. Although he didn't find use for it, he taught me the lessons (or made sure someone else taught me) how it was to be worn. So now I wear this new coat. It is an old coat but it is new to me. It fits a little loose, but I prefer it loose. A tight fit pinches, and I fight against such things when I must strain. If someone points out that my coat doesn't quite fit, I admit it is true. I wear this coat to honor my teachers and my father. It was his coat after all. I only wish he had found his way to wear it himself. Now I wear it. It feels... comfortable now.

Today I can think my way into right action but only rarely. Certainly I could never have done so when I was first sober because I could not trust my own thinking so I had to act. The 12 Steps is a plan of action.

Just do it.

Alex H.

Rav Twerski on his Struggle

2008-10-28T19:11:04Z

Recently Rav Abraham J. Twerski wrote on his struggle with overcoming depression and Low self-esteem. This seems almost impossible to me, that such a wonderful man must struggle with this, but I know that sometimes when I tell people that I am a terrible, whining complainer, they look at me and say, "But you don't complain."

I laugh and tell them, "Because I know I have this problem, I work on it really hard."

Apparently Rabbi Twerski knows his problems and works on them really hard.

Read the article and view the video here. http://www.torahweb.org/esteem.html

Alex H.

Rabbi sings "Amy Winehouse in Rehab"

2008-10-17T21:44:42Z

Amy Winehouse is a Jewish-British singer who has had serious drug problems. After getting out of rehab, she wrote a song about her experience. Her message seems to be... don't date people you meet in rehab... no, no, no. OK. Good advice.

But... a guy labeled as a rabbi (a middle-aged guy in a beard and kippah) sings the same song in Yiddish.

He admits to having a little to drink. The image is a little difficult for me to absorb. It is sort of like an Orthodox Jew in full dress uniform, walking into a regular McDonald's and ordering a Coke. Even if they managed to keep it kosher all the way down the line, the fact that he is doing it when dressed as an obvious religious person, will give the wrong impression.

This means either that the guy singing is not religious, or he is doing it at a time when it is allowed like Purim (and we don't know the time it was filmed) or the attitude within his community is very lax on issues of public drunkenness.

Here is the video. I can't vouch for the Yiddish, but my poor command of German suggests he is following the original lyrics of the song.

Alex H.

Sukkot Pictures and Movie

2008-10-13T19:40:20Z

The holiday of Sukkot begins Monday evening. Part of the holiday observance includes building a small temporary building or shack.

I saw a great movie on this subject that has something to do with AA. The movie is entitled Ushpizin. It is in Hebrew but it has good subtitles. It is a great movie for alcoholics because it is about making amends and having one's terrible past coming back to haunt them. You can rent the movie on Netflix. (BTW, I'm not kidding about this. It's focus is perfect for AA so even if you are not Jewish it would be worth watching the movie.)

Ushpizin means "guests" but suggests something mystical. A man named Moshe was once a terrible drunk and a violent man. Now he has changed his life and has become religious. He does not have enough money to buy a sukkah, a temporary dwelling required by the holiday. A friend assures him that an unused sukkah can be found and he is free to take it, but soon he finds that the owner is angry that he took it. Moshe must make amends (both for reasons of AA and for reasons of the holiday observance). Meanwhile, two men break out of prison. They must find a place to hole up. They think, "Hey! Let's stay with Moshe! He's crazy enough to take us." Indeed. They remembered Moshe when he was a crazy man. When they arrive, Moshe's wife welcomes these new "guests" Moshe is not so sure. His friends think he has not really changed and they goad him into being the old Moshe he was. Moshe must struggle with the man he once was and the man he wishes to be today. Ushpizin means "guests" but not the regular guests one invites. They are mystical guests one invites to the celebration. That is the point of the film. These mystical guests come to test Moshe's spiritual resolve.

For those unfamiliar with the holiday, one is also required to wave a palm branch, willow and myrtle branch and a small citrus fruit called an etrog. Part of the film deals with purchasing the perfect etrog. Some people get really involved with this holiday so they tend to go overboard with certain aspects of the holiday.

Great movie. The ending is a little corny but the drama is good.

As I suggested before, part of the holiday observance involves building a small hut-like thing. It is called a sukkah. I built one in my backyard. I've placed the pictures on Flickr. You can view the set at...

Pictures in a set

or you can see the slide show at...

Slideshow

I am an alcoholic and a traditional Jew.

Alex H.

Kol Nidre

2008-10-08T12:56:35Z

My rabbi friend is giving a talk at Kol Nidre about drug/alcohol abuse and asked for my thoughts. I gave him a few. I don't know how much he will incorporate but here is what I wrote to him.

Nowadays alcohol abuse is considered "substance abuse" but they are not the same problem. In the traditional community (Conservative to Orthodox) the alcohol problem is considerably smaller percentage-wise than in the general population. Clearly something is working regarding alcohol, but that success with alcoholism has not translated into success with drug abuse. And because we assume the problem is solved with alcohol, we have not noticed our growing drug problem.

Personal story #1

I volunteer as a chaplain at the county jail. I am no rabbi but I do my best. A young woman asked for help. She looked like any other Jewish woman: young, professionally driven, intelligent. She also looked stricken.

"So... how'd you end up in here?" I asked.

"My car turned over. My life is destroyed!" She sobbed uncontrollably.

When her tears subsided, she told me she had been using a prescription drug to help with her anxiety in a high-pressure job, but it wasn't enough. She began using something stronger, something illegal. It did the trick. But then she crashed her car. She was taken to jail, hoping against hope that she could convince a judge that all she needed was rehab rather than prison time. Months later the judge agreed.

I blew the shofar. She asked me how she could observe the High Holidays while trapped in rehab. I gave her a small prayerbook and told her to dedicate some study-time to the holiday. It was the best she could do

But what will happen to her when it is time to leave? Will the Jewish community welcome her? She has lost her job. Will someone hire her? She has no home now. Will someone take her in? On December 1st we will find out. She will have three days to find work, a place to live. Three days to build a life. I made some calls. One response... a good one... but only one. A woman who understands personal suffering will open her home to her.

Thank G-d.

Personal story #2

I took a call from a desperate Jewish mother.

"What kind of community service jobs are available for my son?"

She had told a judge that the crack pipe found in her son's car did not belong to him, but apparently the judge felt her son needed to perform community service. Though the judge was not fully persuaded, she seemed determined to convince me that her little boy would NEVER use crack!

"He's a musician," she said. As if that explained it all.

"OK. If he's not using crack, then your little boy is driving crack-heads all over the county! Tell him that next time the judge won't listen to excuses. Your little boy is going to do hard time!" I shouted. The message finally got through to her.

When your little boy lays down with dogs, he is going to wake up with fleas.

Personal story #3

I took a call from a woman I know and respect. She was a leader at the synagogue, and to my surprise she explained how she had become hooked on prescription drugs. Her doctor had prescribed a common pain killer for her back problem. It helped, but after a few weeks she decided to stop. Now she had a craving. The pain in her voice betrayed the pain in her soul. I almost cried. She wanted to know what was happening to her!

A good woman, intelligent, well-off, with a bright future and a leisurely retirement in sight, yet she found herself trapped. She had followed the doctor's instructions. Her normal reticence guaranteed that she would not over use, but her body wanted more. I explained that everyone's body is different. There is no test to find whether a person is especially susceptible. Clearly she was. She had to stop. She sighed deeply and resolved push her way through it.

I think she'll make it. She wasn't really hooked. She had her fingers nipped by the ringer. It was a warning.

Our leaders in the Jewish community are surprised when they find they must deal with a drug problem. It can't happen to us, they say, but it does. When I told a local rabbi about drug problems in the Jewish community he smiled benignly. I told him that most agree that it can happen. What they don't seem to realize is that it can happen in their OWN community. The rabbi nodded knowingly.

Then I said, "Are you aware that there are at least two families that I know of in our community that are struggling with drug abuse?"

The rabbi's jaw dropped. He was NOT aware.

Although we can generally monitor each other in alcohol consumption, drug use is generally hidden. Because it is wrong, we hide it and thus it never comes up for review. We never explain it to our children. We never explain it to our spouse. We never explain it to our rabbi. And in many cases, we can't explain it to ourselves. Some of us are caught and when we are, we are lost.

Although proper modeling and social prohibitions in the Jewish community protect most of us against alcohol abuse, we can no longer ignore our problem with drug abuse. And although alcohol abuse is low in the traditional community, it is not zero. What do we do for those who succumb despite our best efforts?

Often our local Jewish Family Services know what to do, but we must be their eyes and ears. The community must see and advise. Like learning 911, we must train ourselves on what to do so that it becomes automatic. We must all learn because we can't anticipate who will need help.

I've saved Reform Judaism for last. I might say they are different, but in fact they are the same. They have the same alcoholism rates as the general population. Though they have the same social prohibitions against drinking as in the traditional community, that doesn't protect them. Why? It is only a guess, but I suspect it is because in Reform Judaism, the individual is the final arbiter of what is proper behavior. Without outside review there is too much room for self-justification of bad behavior. Never underestimate the power of self-justification.

I have been told that alcoholism and drug abuse is a disease. That is probably true. But it is not a disease like a cold or cancer. It is a disease like heart disease. What is heart disease? It is many things. Sometimes it is genetic. We are born with it. Sometimes it is a product of our bad habits, easily avoided if we use normal care. And sometimes it causes such damage that we must change our lives in order to live. We cry out for G-d to save us.

As Hannah poured out her heart to G-d, begging Him to change her within. Her lips moved but no sound could be heard. Eli shouted "Woman! You are drunk! Sober up!" But she was not a drunk. She only prayed as one.

Alex H.